Hate Me
by anneryn7
Summary: AU. I studied her. I've never noticed just how beautiful she was until now. She's always seemed so strong – unbreakable. Today, she crumbled. I made her break... For the first time in her life, Bonnie has been putting herself first. I'm proud of her for it. If nothing else, killing Abby… gave her the drive to do what was finally good for her. That drive will keep her alive.


**I DO NOT OWN VAMPIRE DIARIES OR THE CHARACTERS.  
Music Credit: "Hate Me" – Blue October**

_~*.*~  
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head.  
They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed.  
Dropping the reels of tape – to remind me that I'm alone…  
Playing movies in my head… that make a porno feel like home.  
There's a burning in my pride – a nervous beating in my brain.  
An ounce of peace is all I want from you.  
Will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me?  
It is I that wanted space._

_ Hate me today.  
Hate me tomorrow.  
Hate me for all the things that I couldn't do for you.  
Hate me in ways, yeah… ways hard to swallow.  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.  
~*.*~_

I stood in the shadows, transfixed by Bonnie's anguished face. She's inconsolable. For the first time, in a long time, I wondered if protecting Elena was the right choice. Do I love her? I'm not even sure anymore. Does putting her above everyone else come at too high a price? It's starting to feel like it's beginning to. How many people have died over her? To anyone else, it would be too many.

I hasn't fazed me. I didn't even touch me – not until tonight.

I tried to rip out Bonnie's throat and I felt nothing. Jenna died and it didn't matter. Bonnie faked her own death for Elena. Her grandmother died to rescue us from the tomb… There have been so many things that have happened and none of it mattered.

Now, I feel remorse for killing Abby. Remorse that I haven't felt in some time. She'll be turned into a vampire, but will she chose to turn? I knew Bonnie would die before becoming a vampire. Is Elena's life really worth more than so many others?

I had been so fixated on protecting Elena that nothing else mattered. That's the way it's always been. I get things done and at the end of the day, I'm what keeps her alive.

Today, it felt wrong. Judgy has helped us more times than she can count and she has a dead mother to show for it. I don't feel good enough to stand in the same room as her.

I studied her. I've never noticed just how beautiful she was until now. She's always seemed so strong – unbreakable. Today, she crumbled. I made her break.

-.-

It's been weeks since Bonnie's mother refused to turn. Bonnie has barely talked to any of us. She's refused to help Elena in anyway. She said that helping her has only brought death and destruction to her life. And she wasn't wrong.

She's become harder. More and more, I've been finding myself outside of her bedroom window. If she realizes that I've been watching her, she hasn't said anything. She's turned into someone else entirely. She's blossomed into a force to be reckoned with.

For the first time in her life, Bonnie has been putting herself first. I'm proud of her for it. If nothing else, killing Abby… gave her the drive to do what was finally good for her. That drive will keep her alive.

I've accepted that I will never be a part of Bonnie's life. For a reason that I can't explain, it bothers me to my core. I want to help her succeed. I want her to get out of this town and away from this mess.

I've given up on Elena and trying to get in between her and my brother. He can have her. Abby was my last kill. I've wanted to, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

Bonnie Bennett hates me. She hates me, because she has to. Hating me will keep her alive. I want her to hate me until it's safe for her to stop. If hating me is the only way that I can help her – I welcome it.

I haven't done much good in my immortal life. If this is my only penance, so be it. Let her hate me. She deserves it.

_~*.*~  
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave.  
Kicking the shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made…  
And like a baby boy, I never was a man – until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands.  
And I fell down yelling, 'Make it go away.'  
Just make a smile.  
Come back and shine, just like it used to be.  
And then she whispered, 'How could you do this to me?'_

_ Hate me today.  
Hate me tomorrow.  
Hate me for all the things that I didn't do for you.  
Hate me ways… yeah, ways hard to swallow.  
Hate me, so you can finally see what's good for you.  
~*.*~_


End file.
